TO YOU MY FRIEND

I was in the middle of writing a post about summer — this one in particular — all the great times, from drunken days to drunken nights and back to drunken days again, the wild misadventures, chance encounters, and pure fun we managed to have in this city of Brooklyn that we hold so close to our hearts. Sometimes, hell, we even crossed those Bridges.

Then, out of nowhere, I got a letter that I thought my mailman had slipped into my mailbox by mistake. It was addressed to Alcohol. Now, being from Brooklyn and not afraid of a little Fed time, I thought, “What’s that? Three years your honor? I can do that standing on my head. You got some more?” So I opened Alcohol’s mail and read it. And honestly, now that I’ve read it, I don’t believe it was a mistake. I think the writer of this letter meant it as a petition — a letter for all of us to sign. And here I am, honored to be the first John Doe leaving my drunken X.

So here it is. OUR letter to our dear old friend Alcohol. We hope it finds you better than you left us.

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me say this — I am a huge fan of yours.

As my friend, you have always been there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, even showing up at the holidays hidden inside chocolates, warming us when we’re stuck in the middle of those endless family gatherings.

But lately, I have been wondering about your true intentions. I want to believe you have my best interests at heart, yet your influence has led to some questionable consequences.

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: I agree communication is important. But why, oh why, do you insist on making me call my exes at 3 a.m.? Especially when I KNOW for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone in the middle of the goddamn night.

2. Eating: You know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest I eat a taco with chili sauce alongside a massive Italian meatball and some stale chips, all washed down with wine, and then top it off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries? I’m an eclectic eater, sure, but you really went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re trying to subtly tell me to take up yoga to fix my balance, there is no reason to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It is completely unnecessary. The mysterious black and blue marks that show up on my body the next day? I have no explanation. Also, it should never take me more than forty-five seconds to get my key into the front door lock.

4. The Hangovers: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I understand a little penance for our previous night’s debauchery is fair, but the three p.m. immobility is unacceptable. My entire day is shot. If I take the proper precautions — water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin — before I pass out (usually face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever) the hangover should be minimal and never interfere with my daily life.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for years now. You have been the spark for unforgettable stories, the reason for countless laughs, and the companion when I don’t know what else to do with the extra money in my pocket.

To keep this friendship alive, I ask that you review my grievances carefully and address them immediately. I will expect an answer no later than next Friday at 3 p.m. (right before happy hour) with your possible solutions. And hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fans
GVG

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below that I think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing!