I received a call from my cousin tonight which led to a deeper than normal conversation for us concerning our futures and the idea of love. He asking, “Do you believe people truly want to be in love”, spawned all this? Without a breathe I responded with a “Yes!” He responded with an “Oh” that sung out his loss of interest in continuing the conversation with such a “naïve” person. I pushed the subject further out of a desire to have a conversation with one of the only men I hoped could truly understand how I felt since he had the same bloodline as me. I reminded him of how both our fathers died with large bank accounts, numerous homes on multiple continents, closet of tailored suits, custom shoes, and a long list of conquest but none present at their bedsides when the end came. How sad it was that the only woman in my father’s life he trusted enough to help him put his life in order after his stroke in the event he died was my mother. Whom he hadn’t had a relationship with for about 14 years at the time. I continued to speak about how I didn’t want that for myself. How I wanted someone who loved me and that I loved in the same way. He listened impatiently and with every “Uh huh” signaled his lack of desire to continue the conversation. At the end of my long country song with the exuberance of a kid who just got a lifetime supply of chocolate, he screamed out “OUR DADS WHERE WHORES AND WE GOT THEIR BLOOD!!!”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I sat there quietly as he reminisces over “The good times” The Brothers, as we always called them, had with all their lovely conquest. We had this conversation on numerous occasions through the course of our lives each of us, my brother, cousin, and I, all had our Father/Uncle stories. Coming downstairs to find three women standing in front of the dinner table with the dishes they had prepared and my father asking me to choose which of them my fat picky fingers would feast on that evening. It wasn’t until years later that I realized what I had walked into. One of us walking in on a father/uncle receiving what we initially thought was a spirited bedside prayer and seconds later being hit with the realization that there was nothing holy in the act.
I told him of my concerns with my bloodline and how with every relationship I hoped to be the man I talked about being and not the man my bloodline destined me to be. My behavior in the past has lent itself to something my father would have done. I’m not a cheater, but I do love women. I love to flirt. I love the attention and I wonder if I’ll be able to turn that off once that ring comes on. I realized my cousin could not give me the answers I needed or wanted or maybe he was just the person to give me the answers, but I just didn’t want to hear them. I find any excuse to let him out of the conversation he clearly didn’t want to be in. then I was left alone to think and with no one else of value awake, all I could do was let the thoughts swoosh around in my head. Getting bigger with each turn.
Was I destined to be exactly what he proclaimed me to be – A whore? What would that entail? Would I get all the girls and have my kids and nephews talking for years about all the women that laid to my beckoning? Would I die alone wishing I had just picked one of them and made it work?